Loneliness and Reflection

One of the hardest things about going back to school is the nights… I find myself alone again after trying to make plans and finding out that I called too late or that they’re going home for the weekend or that they’re going to some party that doesn’t align with the person I’m trying to be… So I find myself alone.

A few nights ago was one of those nights. I came back from dinner with a friend and found myself at a loss of what to do. A ton of friends were out of town, boyfriend couldn’t Skype, everyone else was going to a party, and it felt like I had no one.

No one to help fill this lonely void in my heart, no one to watch movies with and to hang out at home with, no one who was home and didn’t want to party. I cried and cried, wondering why I wanted to come back and do this again.

I missed my two best friends, the girls who I watched movies with every night and spent every second of every day with throughout all my freshman year. The ones who didn’t come back to my school after the year was through. I missed them with everything that I had and I missed my boyfriend and my friends from home and how any time I was lonely I could just drive to their houses. [Even typing this now makes me upset again. I get so lonely. My heart felt empty and my throat tightened and I couldn’t stop crying.]

So I took our my journal and started to write. I texted Chris and told him how much I missed him and how hard this was getting.

This is how it’s going to be again.

It’s going to be distracting myself with homework until I can’t do it anymore. It’s going to be crying myself to sleep because I feel like I have no one, it’s going to be feeling like I have no friends again because on Friday night, I’m alone by myself in my apartment.

And I couldn’t help but wonder why I got so lonely. Why do I constantly need people around me to feel satisfied and happy? Is it the constant distraction? Is it the validation of company to tell myself that I’m not worthless?

I have so many things to be thankful for and so many things to work on in myself. That silence made me think about what I needed to learn from how I was feeling.

Silence isn’t a bad thing. Being alone doesn’t have to mean that I’m lonely.

I turned on my favorite movie and let myself laugh and made myself love the fact that I had alone time for the first time all week and that after being so busy I finally had time to relax. But I still hated it. I still hated being by myself and the fact that I’m alone now makes me want to cry too.

But again, bad days always end. Silence isn’t a bad thing; it’s a time for reflection, to get in touch with my true inner soul, to feed my heart and to realize what I’ve been missing in those days. How I needed to depend on the Lord when I felt like I was going through the darkest valley. Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean that I have to be lonely; my Savior walks and lives and breaths next to me and near me.

And although this year will be rough, although I will cry and try to distract myself and ultimately be sad sometimes more days than I’m happy. But bad days always end, and there’s always something to learn in the mean time. Thankful for those moments of sadness to bring me closer to my Creator.

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