Christo & me, Lake Tahoe, July 2014
I am in a long distance relationship. We went long distance on June 17, 2013… and here we are still together on July 21, 2014, ready to take on another school year in a few short weeks.
I get told that I’m so strong. That it’s awesome what we do because “I could never do that myself.” I get asked how long we’re going to do it, why we still do it, how often we see each other. Guys and girls alike say that it must take so much willpower and so much dedication and that it shows how much strength I have.
I’m not strong. I cry and I scream and I yell and get depressed and wish that I didn’t love him so much so that I could just make the pain of him being away stop. Most of the time I just want it to be over. Some days it feels so easy but some days it feels like my heart hurts so badly that I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. Distance sucks and there’s no way to get around that.
I sat, sometime during the end of my first semester of college, desperate for God to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I opened my bible and I prayed and cried and wished that there would be an answer for why things were so bad right now. I needed infinite grace when I messed up (which seemed to be constantly) and I needed patience and kindness when we fought (because I scream and get mad over the littlest things and say things I don’t mean) and when I was lost and homesick and so sick of being so far away from everything (that I took it out on him). I prayed that God would give me strength when I was so sick of not doing as well on tests as I wanted to, that I’d have the ability to be a better girlfriend even when I was far away. I was so desperate to feel something close to comfort.
I absentmindedly played with my necklace as I tried to pull myself together and something hit me.
Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. (Proverbs 3:3)
And there it was around my neck. That necklace that Chris gave me for our first Christmas together. The precious silver that I never took off, the one that came adorable note saying that he was giving me his heart that year. The reason that I was still doing distance even when it sucked. There it was, all the comfort I needed right around my neck.
How could I doubt it? How could I doubt that there was a plan for us? There is kindness and loyalty in my heart that I want to give him, that I know he deserves. How much Chris loves me is tied around my neck in a constant reminder. He takes care of me when I’m down and makes me so proud everyday. So why am I being such a goon!?
Trust. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell myself to trust. Trust that Chris has my best interest in mind, trust that we’re going to make it through this, trust that the next time I see him is going to make everything worth it. Trust that this is just a bad week that’s making me fall asleep crying every night, trust that he is making the best decisions that he can.
Because I’m not good at trusting. I’m not good at keeping my temper. But I’m shown so much mercy and grace by everyone in my life that I know it’s going to be okay. I still want to know now that it’s going to be worth it. I still want proof that everything’s going to be okay. I still want attention and I still want him and I still want him now.
But for the time being, that’s not in the cards for us. Distance creates a lot of issues (a LOT of issues) but it also made me fall even further head over heels for this boy.
Washington DC, November 2013
I have absolutely no idea what’s in the cards for us for the next few years, but even in life’s troubles, I’m glad I get to go through them with him.