Taken at the top of Half Dome, Yosemite- June 2014
I don’t always have a chipper composition. I’m not usually the type of person that stays positive or nice all the time. I couldn’t stay happy all the way through our 18 mile hike this weekend. I cried and I panicked and I lashed out. I’m not known for being an optimist.
And all of my Christian friends are known for being optimists… Am I missing something? Is there an energy that I’m supposed to have that I’m failing to gain? Am I not mature enough in my faith yet? Am I making the wrong decisions? These questions even lead to the big one: what purpose am I serving?
It’s fair to say that I’ve gotten better at remaining positive, but I still get emotional. I still lash out on my family and my boyfriend when I’m annoyed. I still complain and cry and whine and throw temper tantrums when things don’t go my way.
I try to take a step back, refocus to the Lord, and think about how this little thing isn’t the end of the world. I try to think about how this struggle is shaping me to be who I’m supposed to be. But I’m human and I’m flawed and I don’t always succeed in doing that. My emotions get the best of me.
Positivity is difficult but it’s also a choice. It’s an intentional rewiring of your brain to make yourself happier. It’s focusing on the good things and knowing that God has a plan no matter how frustrated and emotional you might be.
But even so, how can I forgive myself when I lash out on people who don’t deserve it? What happens when I’m the example of a Christian that someone looks to and they see that I’m horribly flawed?
I have to remember that Christian doesn’t mean perfect it means saved. My attitude and my words are just something that can pave the way for Him. The fact that I’m awful and explosive and negative just shows how much I desperately need a Savior. I can’t help but fall on my knees when I think about how horrible I am and how his relentless and unending His grace is.
My job is to baptize all the nations, but ultimately the power is in His hands. I have to remember that God is the one who brings people to Him. My job is to show the glimpse of the joy and love that God gives, but my imperfection makes His power perfect.
The fact that I’m not positive makes His endless light shine that much brighter. The fact that I’m not always happy substantiates His relentless joy. The fact that I’m selfish makes His sacrifice heavier. The fact that I lash out makes His merciful reign all the more mighty.
And that, is the beauty of being a Christian. Our God is so bright and joyful and selfless and merciful when we are the complete opposite. Where we are flawed, He is perfect. Blessed be the name of the Lord, y’all.
Scripture: Psalm 139:14, Matthew 28:19, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Psalm 113:2